Three nights ago I laid down on the ground and watched the lightening light up the clouds above me. I have been wishing for storms lately. Not rain. Storms. The kind of weather that puts everyone on edge. Big crashes of thunder. Electricity lighting up a dark, wet sky. Wind that howls until it matches the wildest pain you have ever felt. Heavy drops of rain that almost sound like hail as they fall on your roof, your grill, the leaves on the trees.
There was no storm that night.
The ground was not even wet that I lay on, though we enjoyed a respectable little downpour not five miles away at dinner. I laid down in the grass and wondered how much time goes between me feeling the ground on some part of my skin. Between shoes, floors and concrete…how much do I really feel of the ground?
Looking up into the gentle show of the sky, I remembered a time sitting on the front porch with my Grandfather in Florida. He loved the weather and was mesmerized at how, from the vantage point of his front porch, he could watch the electrical storms cross the sky in the distance. I felt it too. It was so beautiful and intense.
So, I let my thoughts go to him completely. It’s funny how you can miss someone more as you grow older. There are parts of him I understand more now that I could have possibly understood then. And many more parts that I am sad I missed knowing as an adult. He died when I was in high school. I thought about that too.
I realize I don’t really know what he was like. I am piecing together the impressions of a child and guessing what that means. I could ask, I know. But no one could possibly tell me what I would have noticed about him as an adult. Only I could know that…if I had the luxury of knowing. But tonight I allowed myself the space to guess.
And tonight I am thinking about him again. Sitting in our new house I am thinking I would so love to call him up on the phone and celebrate the storm bearing down on us. If I could find the whiskey in this mess of boxes, I would break it out and raise a glass to a real mess of a storm…and to my grandfather, who taught me to love the drama of big skies and wild weather.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Sunday, June 20, 2010
A few years ago there was a movie called Uptown Girls.
I LOVED this movie. Probably because I am that little girl and I need the Brittany Murphy character to teach me how to relax and play. (RIP Brittany)
Tina has had a very big job of trying to get me to be more playful. Not easy. But help is on the way. And it rides in tomorrow morning.
In honor of Dream Lab starting tomorrow, I am posting my Mondo Beyond list from March.
That’s right…all three of you who read this blog (yes, I am counting myself) will see what Mondo Beyondo made me realize I want to do. For the one of you who does not know about Mondo Beyondo…it is about dreaming big. Not the small “wouldn’t-it-be-nice-to-find-the-perfect-pair-of-flats-on-sale” dreaming. Jen and Andrea had me dreaming of things that made me giggle and blush a little.
I am putting this list down now because I am going to play. Jen and Andrea are going to give me back my mojo with Dream Lab. They promised. And I trust them.
My Mondo Beyondo List (abbreviated, but important, version)
• Live with the kids in another country for at least a year (this one totally threw me off guard)
• Complete and utter financial security forever so that I can live boldly, give freely and not worry
• Become silly and wildly playful (that is this summer’s assignment)
• Marry Tina legally
• Free up the writer in me so I can create things I am thrilled with instead of just making clients happy
• Become someone I wish I knew
• Dramatically reduce my worklife (this is in progress)
• Write and get published
The point of the list is to be dramatic…to think of things you have absolutely NO IDEA how to manifest. There is sssssooooo much more to the course, but I am not interested in killing the drama of discovery. Do your heart a favor and find out for yourself what it wants.
XO
I LOVED this movie. Probably because I am that little girl and I need the Brittany Murphy character to teach me how to relax and play. (RIP Brittany)
Tina has had a very big job of trying to get me to be more playful. Not easy. But help is on the way. And it rides in tomorrow morning.
In honor of Dream Lab starting tomorrow, I am posting my Mondo Beyond list from March.
That’s right…all three of you who read this blog (yes, I am counting myself) will see what Mondo Beyondo made me realize I want to do. For the one of you who does not know about Mondo Beyondo…it is about dreaming big. Not the small “wouldn’t-it-be-nice-to-find-the-perfect-pair-of-flats-on-sale” dreaming. Jen and Andrea had me dreaming of things that made me giggle and blush a little.
I am putting this list down now because I am going to play. Jen and Andrea are going to give me back my mojo with Dream Lab. They promised. And I trust them.
My Mondo Beyondo List (abbreviated, but important, version)
• Live with the kids in another country for at least a year (this one totally threw me off guard)
• Complete and utter financial security forever so that I can live boldly, give freely and not worry
• Become silly and wildly playful (that is this summer’s assignment)
• Marry Tina legally
• Free up the writer in me so I can create things I am thrilled with instead of just making clients happy
• Become someone I wish I knew
• Dramatically reduce my worklife (this is in progress)
• Write and get published
The point of the list is to be dramatic…to think of things you have absolutely NO IDEA how to manifest. There is sssssooooo much more to the course, but I am not interested in killing the drama of discovery. Do your heart a favor and find out for yourself what it wants.
XO
summertime and the living is easy...right?
I need a summer.
And I do not mean this in a “I-need-a-vacation-and-wish-I-was-back-in-elementary-school” kind of way. I mean that my inspiration is drying up. I mean that anything that requires creative thinking at work is now taking me four times as long and that makes me sad. I mean I am burning out and I badly need to fill my coffers.
This February I did something bizarre…at least for me. OK, I actually did a lot of bizarre things, but I am specifically talking about an online course I took in dreaming big. I went in voluntarily, but honestly thought it was going to be too soft and airy fairy for me. I went into it thinking I was going to be rolling my eyes through the whole thing. Looking back, I do not think I was as cynical as I thought I was…I mean, I invested time in it…I must have thought it had some worth.
And it did. It has changed everything for me. That course was Mondo Beyondo. I found some more of myself in that class. I am still working with all that.
But I am bogged down right now. There is too much heaviness. I need a summer. And, miraculously enough, Jen and Andrea have created something called Dream Lab...just in time. It starts Monday. I am so in.
The thing that makes their course work for me is that it is not all “HEY! You are valuable and you can do it!” There is only so much of that I can stomach. I need something I can do…something I can apply to my life. Mondo Beyondo had exercises and assignments that really excavated things for me. And I mean “FOR ME.” I found out things about me despite myself during that class.
I cannot wait for this one to start. I can already feel myself running through the sprinklers, getting grass all over my feet. Come join me...I am thinking about dragging out the Slip and Slide!
xo
And I do not mean this in a “I-need-a-vacation-and-wish-I-was-back-in-elementary-school” kind of way. I mean that my inspiration is drying up. I mean that anything that requires creative thinking at work is now taking me four times as long and that makes me sad. I mean I am burning out and I badly need to fill my coffers.
This February I did something bizarre…at least for me. OK, I actually did a lot of bizarre things, but I am specifically talking about an online course I took in dreaming big. I went in voluntarily, but honestly thought it was going to be too soft and airy fairy for me. I went into it thinking I was going to be rolling my eyes through the whole thing. Looking back, I do not think I was as cynical as I thought I was…I mean, I invested time in it…I must have thought it had some worth.
And it did. It has changed everything for me. That course was Mondo Beyondo. I found some more of myself in that class. I am still working with all that.
But I am bogged down right now. There is too much heaviness. I need a summer. And, miraculously enough, Jen and Andrea have created something called Dream Lab...just in time. It starts Monday. I am so in.
The thing that makes their course work for me is that it is not all “HEY! You are valuable and you can do it!” There is only so much of that I can stomach. I need something I can do…something I can apply to my life. Mondo Beyondo had exercises and assignments that really excavated things for me. And I mean “FOR ME.” I found out things about me despite myself during that class.
I cannot wait for this one to start. I can already feel myself running through the sprinklers, getting grass all over my feet. Come join me...I am thinking about dragging out the Slip and Slide!
xo
Friday, June 18, 2010
The Gulf Between Us
Tina and I are gnawing ourselves from the inside out over the disaster in the gulf. We have gone from mocking the bizarrely and stunningly inappropriate remarks from everyone in the BP camp to letting the reality of what is happening to the body of life just south of us.
It is so easy to get wrapped up in the insanity that is the business and the politics of what is going on. While we are screaming about money and penalties there is so much life dying in the gulf that it boggles the mind. I cannot even really comprehend the damage, and not just because we are not being shown all of it.
Don't get me wrong. I know we must have discussion about penalties, payments, blame. I know that the circus stage on which our politicians parade around trying to make a name for themselves on our tragedy must be played out. I know that the idiots in charge at BP must be publicly humiliated. I know.
But I am frustrated at the arm waving and the well-meaning, but directionless people. Where are our inspiring leaders? Who can we follow? It is hard for me to get in my car, fill it up and drive to the beach to participate in a protest against offshore drilling when I know I have to get back into my gas guzzling car to drive home. I can't fully participate in that kind of halfway thinking.
Where are the people who will direct us to something to fight FOR? Has this crisis created enough momentum that we can now find someone to follow who will guide us on how to draw attention when research and development into alternative fuels is being eliminated by any large company? Is there someone who will shine a light and leverage this disaster to highlight the numerous times progress toward incredible fuel efficiency or cheaper solutions for fuel have been lobbied away by car manufacturers who do not want to retool their factories? Will someone march us to these leaders and lead us to wail publicly at hastening the demise of a living ecosystem that sustains us in so many ways?
Where are our leaders? Where is the inspiration? Where is the heart in any of this? I just cannot rally behind a bunch of statistics.
It is so easy to get wrapped up in the insanity that is the business and the politics of what is going on. While we are screaming about money and penalties there is so much life dying in the gulf that it boggles the mind. I cannot even really comprehend the damage, and not just because we are not being shown all of it.
Don't get me wrong. I know we must have discussion about penalties, payments, blame. I know that the circus stage on which our politicians parade around trying to make a name for themselves on our tragedy must be played out. I know that the idiots in charge at BP must be publicly humiliated. I know.
But I am frustrated at the arm waving and the well-meaning, but directionless people. Where are our inspiring leaders? Who can we follow? It is hard for me to get in my car, fill it up and drive to the beach to participate in a protest against offshore drilling when I know I have to get back into my gas guzzling car to drive home. I can't fully participate in that kind of halfway thinking.
Where are the people who will direct us to something to fight FOR? Has this crisis created enough momentum that we can now find someone to follow who will guide us on how to draw attention when research and development into alternative fuels is being eliminated by any large company? Is there someone who will shine a light and leverage this disaster to highlight the numerous times progress toward incredible fuel efficiency or cheaper solutions for fuel have been lobbied away by car manufacturers who do not want to retool their factories? Will someone march us to these leaders and lead us to wail publicly at hastening the demise of a living ecosystem that sustains us in so many ways?
Where are our leaders? Where is the inspiration? Where is the heart in any of this? I just cannot rally behind a bunch of statistics.
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Wherein Strangers Distract Me and Make Me Less Agitated
OK. I am better now. Because there are other people who are so confused that they would not even know something was different if it jumped up and bit them on the cheek. (Grant used to do that)
I am sitting right next to a couple who I am fairly sure are not a couple at all, so I do not know why I wrote that. Except that it is a guy and a girl sitting together talking about things like “Are you going to take all the cat toys and cat tower and stuff?” and “we have the big one, and I know we want to keep that one because we got a good deal on it. But do we really need the two little ones?” – and this is where she starts acting like she has no idea what he is talking about and they get a little snippy and says she wants to keep the big one in the bedroom and that he has plenty of room for the cat toys. So, voila. There it is. They are in a relationship.
But then she tells him that she never knows if he wants her to introduce him to her friends…and he says no, because he understands that they are bigoted against straight men, which she denies. And then he is asking all kinds of relationship advice, which I think is weird to ask someone you are in a relationship with…but whatever. But this is not even the biggest problem. She is not even asking the obvious question…”who is telling you my friends are bigoted against straight men?” or even “what? Bigoted against straight men? Are you an idiot?” I so wanted her to ask this question. I almost slipped it to her on a slip of paper, but I did not have one.
Dude just said that English is ghetto. WTF? I need to find some paper to write her some notes.
I am sitting right next to a couple who I am fairly sure are not a couple at all, so I do not know why I wrote that. Except that it is a guy and a girl sitting together talking about things like “Are you going to take all the cat toys and cat tower and stuff?” and “we have the big one, and I know we want to keep that one because we got a good deal on it. But do we really need the two little ones?” – and this is where she starts acting like she has no idea what he is talking about and they get a little snippy and says she wants to keep the big one in the bedroom and that he has plenty of room for the cat toys. So, voila. There it is. They are in a relationship.
But then she tells him that she never knows if he wants her to introduce him to her friends…and he says no, because he understands that they are bigoted against straight men, which she denies. And then he is asking all kinds of relationship advice, which I think is weird to ask someone you are in a relationship with…but whatever. But this is not even the biggest problem. She is not even asking the obvious question…”who is telling you my friends are bigoted against straight men?” or even “what? Bigoted against straight men? Are you an idiot?” I so wanted her to ask this question. I almost slipped it to her on a slip of paper, but I did not have one.
Dude just said that English is ghetto. WTF? I need to find some paper to write her some notes.
The Quickening
In the Highlander movie, there is something called “The Quickening.” It is where the immortal awakens to the existence of all the other immortals and realizes who they are really. Where they belong. How they are connected. At least, this is what I have read. I did not see the movie. In any case, whether or not this is what the movie was about…I like this as a concept.
Today, this term “the quickening” has been rumbling around in my head like mad. I would so like to be able to tell you what this means. It would be nice to have a tidy post about why this came into my mind today. Instead, I can only tell you how I feel. And I feel bizarre.
What this feels like for me today is that I am exhausted beyond my ability to think straight and extremely agitated at the same time. I lie down to rest because I am overcome and I am kept awake by my mind racing. This is not your run-of-the-mill anxiety. This is something else entirely. It feels vaguely exciting, like I am heading into some wild ride. Like I am clicking along up the scariest roller coaster imaginable. Only, I don’t really know I am on a roller coaster. And I think you are on this ride with me…all of you.
What I do know for sure is that I am transitioning…a lot. I am moving toward something more sustainable for me. I think maybe we all are. I am not entirely sure what that is going to look like…or if I am going to be able to put my hands up in the air when the real ride begins…but I am having the butterflies in the belly thing. And it is about time. Wow, that’s right…it’s about time.
I am ready for The Quickening. Are you?
Today, this term “the quickening” has been rumbling around in my head like mad. I would so like to be able to tell you what this means. It would be nice to have a tidy post about why this came into my mind today. Instead, I can only tell you how I feel. And I feel bizarre.
What this feels like for me today is that I am exhausted beyond my ability to think straight and extremely agitated at the same time. I lie down to rest because I am overcome and I am kept awake by my mind racing. This is not your run-of-the-mill anxiety. This is something else entirely. It feels vaguely exciting, like I am heading into some wild ride. Like I am clicking along up the scariest roller coaster imaginable. Only, I don’t really know I am on a roller coaster. And I think you are on this ride with me…all of you.
What I do know for sure is that I am transitioning…a lot. I am moving toward something more sustainable for me. I think maybe we all are. I am not entirely sure what that is going to look like…or if I am going to be able to put my hands up in the air when the real ride begins…but I am having the butterflies in the belly thing. And it is about time. Wow, that’s right…it’s about time.
I am ready for The Quickening. Are you?
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